Now it’s time to delve into the 10 temperament traits that were outlined in November’s Blog… Each trait below has a range. You can be on one end or the other. Or maybe you lie in the middle. Or maybe you swing between the two ends depending on the situation. As we explore allow yourself to assess where you and your child fall on this spectrum… So sit back, reflect, and dissect these traits for yourself and your child. And ask yourself some questions, like:

•  Are you the same as you were when you were younger?

• Has your child's responses gotten more extreme or subdued with any of these situations?

• Do you share the same responses or are they different?

• How do you respond to your child and is it helpful for you and for them?

• Do those responses trigger you or are you able to relate and process in the same way to support your child’s process?

Here we go!

1.   Activity level –

This refers to the level of physical activity you exhibit and ranges from quiet <-- to --> very active… Do you tend to enjoy physical activity, and feel like you always have to be moving? Or do you enjoy having a slower pace and do activities that require less movement? A child that is quiet may need more time and encouragement to get things done. A child who is very active needs help with finding acceptable ways to be active.

2.   Approach/withdrawal –

This is your response to new situations. This trait ranges from outgoing <-- to  -->  cautious/withdrawing. How do you do in new situations with new people, new environments, new foods, new activities? Do you thrive in those situations or do you like to be a wallflower and observe from afar? A child who is outgoing may need assistance in not jumping into things too quickly by practicing pausing with a deep breath or counting in their head so that they can observe how to maneuver into the situation. A child who is cautious may need prior discussions to inform them what to expect and what is expected of them in new situations.

3.   Adaptability –

This is how quickly or easily you adjust to change after your initial response to a situation. This trait is scaled from quick to adapt <-- to --> slow to adapt. Is it stressful to change ideas or routines or do find it difficult to make decisions and agonize after making them? Are you very flexible and go with the flow when things routines or ideas change? A child who adapts quickly may need encouragement to slow down because they can be impulsive. A child that adapts slowly needs more forewarning and to discuss changes to prepare them for changes that will happen.

4.   Sensory sensitivity –

This refers to your awareness of your smell, taste, sound, sight, touch, and pain. This trait is rated low sensitivity <-- to --> high sensitivity. Are you sensitive to textures, pain, clothing, smells, light, or sounds or are you un-impacted by them? A child that has a low sensitivity needs help becoming more conscious of stimuli. A child who is highly sensitive will need help figuring out their sensitivities and how to ask for accommodations.

5.   Intensity of reaction –

This is how you express and react to a situation and ranges from low-intensity <-- to --> high-intensity reactions. Do you express emotions loud and extreme or do you tend to be nonchalant and discreet with how you emote? A child that has a lower intensity reaction may need help showing them to be more assertive or at least noticed when they are upset. A child that has higher intensity reactions may need assistance in finding ways to calm down, express, and channel their feelings into creative and productive outlets.  

6.   Distractibility –

This refers to how our attention is when things are going on around you and it is on a scale from low distractibility <-- to --> high distractibility. Do you get completely entrenched in the task you are doing? Are you easily distracted by any commotion going on? A child that has a low distractibility may need help being more attuned to their surroundings. A child with high distractibility needs help finding ways to set up a space to promote focus.

7.   Persistence –

This is your ability to keep effort on a task and ranges from low persistence <-- to --> high persistence. Is it hard to stop an activity once you start? Do you easily give up when you start a task that is challenging for you? A child who has low persistence will need assistance breaking down projects or tasks into smaller more manageable parts. A child with high persistence will need more time to disconnect from activities and need more warnings before it’s time to stop.

8.   Quality of Mood –

This is how you exhibit your predominant mood and is scaled from being positive mood <-- to --> negative mood. Do you appear as a happy, cheerful person or do you tend to express yourself more seriously and possibly glum? A child who is more positive and optimistic may need more awareness to consider the downsides to situations. A child who is more negative and pessimistic needs help with finding ways to monitor and express their emotions appropriately outward and reflect on how they are inwardly feeling too.

9.   Regularity –

This is the predictability of your behavioral and biological patterns. It ranges from being regular <-- to --> irregular. Do you like set routines and schedules or are you flexible with your routines and schedules? Is it important that you eat at certain times or are you more irregular with your eating habits? A child that is more regular needs assistance finding flexibility in their regiment. A child that is irregular needs to be allowed a time period to do their tasks instead of doing it right away.

10.   Emotional Sensitivity –

This is how you respond emotionally to different scenarios and how aware you are of your own emotions and other's emotions. This scale for your own awareness ranges from unawareness of feelings <-- to --> feeling strongly. Do you tend to have reactions that seem excessive or are they more muted say when reading an exciting story or watching a sad show? A child that is unaware of their feelings need help with understanding and recognizing their feelings by having more conversations about how they feel about certain topics or events. A child who has strong feelings needs assistance on how to express their emotions socially appropriately by modeling and practicing it in scenarios.

The scale towards others ranges from insensitive to other’s feelings <-- to --> emotionally tuned in. Are you aware of other’s emotions and show empathy or sympathy when someone is feeling upset or sad or do you tend not to notice what others are feeling? A child who is more insensitive to others will need more modeling on how to show empathy to others and find books or scenarios to share that depict awareness and care for other’s feelings. A child who is emotionally tuned in will need help finding the balance of not letting other’s feelings overtake your own feelings.

As a parent or someone who works with children, there are lots of things you can do in each area to support a child. Children that sit at one end of the range or the other, need help exploring the opposite spectrum with patience and time. Stretching them slowly without pushing too hard. Across the board, for all of these temperament traits, the best thing you can do is to understand that each trait is a part of your child’s temperament. We should be acknowledging and valuing their unique temperament and helping them to understand where they fit in each of these traits by using positive descriptive words. And importantly find ways to learn how to work together.

If you found this interesting and would like to explore these areas past this brief synopsis, I implore you to look at the resources below, especially “The Center for Parenting Education” :)

Resources

• Youtube – Parent Lab, “Navigating Your Child’s Temperament” (April 6th 2020), Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=oRgNnjr_yTs 2/24/2023

• The Center for Parenting Education – Temperament resource articles/handouts (2006-2023), Retrieved from https://centerforparentingeducation.org/?s=temperament 10/23/2023

• The Center for Early Childhood Mental Health Consultation (funded by Headstart) – “The Infant Toddler Temperament Tool (IT3) Supporting a ‘Goodness of Fit’ ” (2019),  Retrieved from https://www.ecmhc.org/temperament/index.html 10/22/2023

• Webb, Amy PH.D. “Loving Your Unique Child – Parenting for Your Child’s Temperament” (2020), Retrieved from The Thoughtful Parent Blog – “Tuning into Temperament” Course https://thoughtfulparent.com/  9/27/2023

• Koblin, Jonas – 5 Styles of Parenting (8/1/2021), Retrieved from https://sproutsschools.com/5-styles-of-parenting/#:~:text=Over%2DInvolved%20parents-,In%20recent%20years%2C%20over%2DInvolved%20parents%2C%20who%20are%20present,aspect%20of%20their%20child's%20life. 10/22/2023

Temperaments play a role in how you behave, interact, and navigate with people and the experiences in our world. Each one of us encompasses different temperaments and those temperaments can conflict or meld with other’s ways of being.  

To begin, let’s dive into some points that I feel are worth mentioning along with a brief history to help add to the understanding of temperaments. Temperament is what researchers have called the “gene-environment interaction” because it is based on both nature (your genes) and nurture (your environment) – which is where you live, your culture, the people that are around you, and the experiences and responses that come with that. So temperament is something you are born with, develops in the early years, and is said to stay the same throughout one’s life. I however think they don’t stop developing and changing but may become more ingrained as we grow.

With this information, I started asking “What’s the difference between temperament and personality?” These words can be pretty interchangeable and similar in their context… Personality is similarly formed from experiences, genetics, and a person’s environment. It is however influenced by our temperament and is something that develops gradually over time, morphing as you grow throughout your life. Personality traits are a combination of characteristics or qualities that create your distinctive character, such as:

~ Your thoughts   

~ What interests you      

~ Your behaviors  

~ What your values are

~ Your traits    

~ What drives you

~ Your beliefs     

~ What preferences you have  

~ Your abilities  

~ What your self-concept and emotional patterns are

Basically, your temperament is a component of your personality.

As I continued researching, I found a lot of information about the four temperament types: Phlegmatic, Sanguine, Choleric, and Melancholic. This theory was started with Hippocrates (460 – 370 BC) who was a Greek physician, philosopher, and deemed “the father of medicine”.  He hypothesized that humans have 4 different types of fluids (humours) that categorize people’s behaviors, moods, and emotions. Those fluids were phlegm, blood, yellow bile, and black bile. These fluids contribute to the patterns in a human’s personality. Then Galen (129 – 216 AD) who was a surgeon, philosopher, and Roman Greek Physician expanded more on Hippocrates Humourism theory. He related them to the 4 elements water/air/fire/earth, along with the 4 seasons Winter/Spring/Summer/Autumn which he classified as hot/cold & dry/wet. So water is cold/wet, air is hot/wet, fire is hot/dry, and earth is cold/dry. He isolated those temperament types into what was highlighted above, Phlegmatic, Sanguine, Choleric, and Melancholic.

**  Phlegmatic > phlegm = water = Winter = cold/wet

Some Traits: Positive, Peaceful, Likes to compromise, Agreeable, Great performer, Reliable, Passive, Blend of all the other types below, Hides internal thoughts and feelings

** Sanguine > blood = air = Spring = hot/wet

Some Traits: Cheerful, Talkative, Social, Likable, Adaptable, Don’t like to be bored, Like to learn, Like to have change, Can be hard to finish what they start…

** Choleric > yellow bile = fire = Summer = hot/dry

Some Traits: Passionate, Impulsive, Swift, Unbalanced, High Energy in conflicting forms, Individualist, Self-critical, Practical, Goal driven, Straightforward, Calculated, Deep conversations

** Meloncholic > black bile = earth = Autumn = cold/dry

Some Traits: Grounded, Patient, Calm, Vindictive, Likes to argue and be objective, Perfectionist, Has attention to detail, Likes routine, Punctual, Pessimistic, Family oriented….

From the development of these starting principles, others have expanded on these concepts into different areas and fields to gain a better understanding and useful tools to help in the spectrum of medicine, psychology, assessments/tests, early childhood field, work environments, and many more areas. All super fascinating and I will leave you to explore on your own to which ones resonates for you (the 1st few References listed below can start you in a direction…)

Later on, Carl Jung, a Swiss psychologist inspired the development of the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (constructed by Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers). Amongst all of the work he did, I wanted to highlight his introduction of the terms “introversion” and “extroversion” in the early 1900’s. These terms helped shape the idea of how an individual presents themselves in different scenarios. A snippet into these would be extroverted people have more of a live-out-loud demeanor, they are highly social, and they get energy from being around people VERSUS introverted people have more of a reserved and quiet demeanor, they recharge by themselves and prefer small social circles. Again like all theories or topics, people expanded on these terms of introversion and extroversion. Now there are 2 more terms that tie into them, ambivert and omnivert, which reside in between the worlds of introversion and extroversion. Someone who feels comfortable in solitary and social environments and exhibits both traits of introversion and extroversion is an ambivert. Somewhat similar but with wider adaptability, an omnivert is someone whose behaviors fluctuate between introverted and extroverted based on the mood or the situation that is occurring. Where do you lie on this spectrum?

By the early 1950’s two practicing psychiatrists (who were also husband and wife), Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess, were curious as to why an abundance of Mothers was getting blamed for their children’s misbehavior. Different from other theories that were being practiced in the psychology field at the time, they decided to observe children starting in infancy. In 1956 they joined up with other colleagues to do a study of 138 infants called the New York Longitudinal Study (NYLS). This study followed those infants and lasted 30 years. They were among the first researchers who started looking deeper into temperaments and developed a system to help gain an understanding of how children contribute to their own development and how the relationships between genes and environment impact our different temperaments. With this, they outlined nine temperament traits:

1.      Activity level – The level of physical activity

2.      Approach/withdrawal – The response to new situations

3.      Adaptability – How able you are to adjust to change

4.      Sensory Sensitivity  – Your awareness of your sensory channels 

5.      Intensity of reaction – How do you react to a situation

6.      Distractibility – Your attention span

7.      Persistence – Your ability to keep trying a task

8.      Quality of Mood – General mood

9.      Regularity – Predictability of sleeping and eating behaviors

   AND as this theory was expanded on by others, another addition was made to help outline an extra component.

10.  Emotional Sensitivity – How we respond emotionally to a situation

With this framework, they noticed that most of the children fell into three general temperament types based on how they are rated in the temperament traits. 

1.      Slow to warm

2.      Easy going

3.      Difficult or Challenging – which now is outlined more as active or spirited

*It’s always good to be mindful of how we describe or label our children especially when they are in earshot, as sometimes I believe they may tend to embody it more because of how we address how we think they are being. I always like to pose a question and ask instead of telling them what they are doing or who they are being because I ultimately don't know.

Some of us have a more defined temperament type and some of us vary depending on the situation, not fitting in one specific type. These temperament types help guide adults on how we can adjust and expand to help a child and ourselves to succeed in scenarios that are presented. The researchers above also cued a term called goodness–of– fit which is the compatibility between ones temperament, the circumstances, and their environment (which can be a person or a place). Sometimes there is a goodness of fit and sometimes there isn’t. When there is not, we have to find tools we the adults can use to help find that comfortable base level for the child, since we can adjust our actions more easily than they can. Then we slowly work on easing and stretching the child outside of their comfort level to help them to overcome the situations that they are struggling with. This also helps us to expand outside of our own comfort level too, which can be helpful in modeling for your child.

I know, so much information!! And that was just a small portion of what’s out there… See December’s blog for a more in-depth look into each of these 10 temperament traits. You will see where you fit within each trait, where your child fits within each trait and the tools you can use to help improve your relationship with your child.

Resources

• Wikipedia – “Four Temperaments” (10/28/23), Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_temperaments 10/22/23

• Youtube – The Researcher, “Four Types of Human Temperament” (11/18/2019), Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKYuUSfhUvE 11/8/2023

• Wikipedia – “Four Temperaments” (10/28/23), Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion 11/8/23

• Saucedo, Kayla – “Ambivert Vs. Omnivert” (10/10/2023), Retrieved by https://www.simplypsychology.org/ambivert-vs-omnivert.html 10/22/23

• HRDQ Staff – “The Difference Between Behavior, Personality, and Temperament” (4/28/2023), Retrieved from https://hrdqstore.com/blogs/hrdq-blog/difference-behavior-personality-temperament#:~:text=Sometimes%20referred%20to%20as%20disposition,Preferences 10/22/2023

• McClowry, Sandra Graham; Rodriguez, Eileen T.; Koslowitz, Robyn – “Temperament-Based Intervention: Re-Examining Goodness of Fit” (6/2008), Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2846651/  10/23/2023

• Rymanowicz, Kylie “The Nine Traits of Temperament” (10/18/2017), Retrieved from https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_nine_traits_of_temperament#:~:text=The%20traits%20of%20temperament%20are,people%20and%20within%20their%20world. 10/22/2023

Are you someone who prefers to have repetition, doing tasks in a systematic fashion?

Or

Are you someone who likes to mix things up and do tasks randomly?

Despite how you live day to day, routines are part of it. Routines need to be thought on and set with intention. They need to be tried and tested to see what has the best flow for how you want to get things accomplished. Then they need to be repeated in those sequences to develop a habit that comes easy. Routines help us to give effort to the areas in our life that we want to put focus on. They also help us to maintain a schedule to give us structure, telling us what to expect and what tasks or steps need to be done. Routines can help us to create beneficial habits that become effortless unconscious behaviors in our day-to-day living.  

Adults benefit from having routines but we are very capable of juggling and mixing things up since we have a good enough working memory (most of the time) and have become proficient in skills that we don’t even think about that go into our routines. Children, however, need more structure and routine in their life so they can keep practicing their ongoing skills that they are developing, like motor control, muscle memory, and sequencing to name a few… This helps them to continuously repeat those skills and most importantly to know what’s expected since they are usually just along for the ride in our lifestyle that we have created and the need to dos that come with life. Each child varies with how much routine impacts them, whether they get upset if the routine is off or maybe they just roll with the flow when the routine gets shuffled (more on that topic in next month's blog on Temperaments…). Regardless of how your child reacts, it is important to set out routines to help form habits and rituals that will hopefully be proactive in their growing mind and body, along with being able to function and do what is required of living in our society among others.

So regardless of how much we feel like we need routines, they do help us to outline tasks for our lives and help us to support our growing children. Take time to sit down and think about your different routines or maybe habits that you want to change…What areas can be improved with having a routine? A routine that you can write down, so you can revisit and practice. A routine that can be beneficial for you and your child to sit down and discuss in an age-appropriate way. Maybe you take pictures and make a visual schedule of those routines so everyone can be more successful in executing them. Once a flow has been established, maybe you mix up the steps if that helps you, or maybe you like having the same steps in that order. Let your child explore the best way that works for them. Make sure to re-evaluate these to add or take away steps that may or may not be necessary. However you decide to create them, it will bolster action steps and help create much-needed systems that will make everyone’s life easier once implemented!

Ooohhhh the wonderful places your children will go with the right expectations…

Within our family dynamics, we are raising our children to develop, establish, work towards, maintain, navigate, and achieve their own expectations by creating expectations for them. This helps them compile what expectations they want and don’t want for themselves and others as they get older. But this comes at no small feat because we adults are constantly determining the what, when, why, and how’s of expectations for ourselves while determining what to implement on our children…

• What is the expectation going to be around this?

• When should I be flexible with this expectation?

• Why is this expectation important to me?

• How can I manage this expectation without being too hard on myself and others?

And the list of questions goes on…

I personally get hung up on my own expectations swinging from becoming too rigid, then too loose, or creating these big expectations then going from little to none. But at the end of the day, I reconfigure what the important ones are to me and re-establish how I can make it achievable. As I engage with children, defining the expectations for moments, events, processes, routines, transitions, etc.…, gets even trickier because I have to take into account all the internal and external factors that make up that child’s day.

• Are they capable of meeting this expectation today?

• Do I need to add another expectation to an existing expectation to challenge them?

• Do I need to simplify the expectation it to make it more achievable?

It’s always easy to see how impactful an expectation is after implementing it consistently. Once I see what works and what doesn’t work, I start becoming aware of the impacts in the moment. I am continuously having to rationalize the importance of holding an expectation or redefining an expectation. This is a hard thing to differentiate because the child may discover if they act a certain way, the outcome gets what they want or they do not have to do something they don’t want, which is why you would want to hold the expectation. On the other hand, the child may be feeling overstimulated, overwhelmed, or maybe having onsets of sickness which is why you would have to modify the expectation. This takes a lot of time and energy to decipher as an adult! Knowing the child is going to be the biggest ticket here and also allowing yourself the room to have mishaps (because there will be so many), owning up to those mishaps, and trying not to recreate those mishaps too many times again ;) The beauty in all of this, is your child will show you the results of those expectations, as long as you are paying attention!

Here is an example of a safety expectation that could be put on a child and ways to navigate:

Maggie is 3 years old. You are at the store and whenever you go to the store you always highlight the expectation of being safe by listening and staying together. As you are shopping, Maggie suddenly runs off around the corner. You call her back but she does not come back. You have to go after her to find her. You find her in her favorite part of the store, by the greeting cards. What do you do since she did not fulfill the expectation of being at the store?

If you let her stay there to look at the cards it tells her that she can run off in the store and disregard listening to you if she has the urge to do something. Maggie is 3 so she is still learning how to fulfil those expectations of being at the store. In this scenario, you want to tell Maggie firmly but calm, “You ran off to find the cards and I did not know where you were. That can be dangerous and made me feel scared not knowing where you were. Remember, at the store, we need to be safe by staying together and listening with your ears. If you want to look at the cards, you need to ask me.” Maggie may then say “Can we look at the cards?” And you would say, “Right now we are shopping. We can look at them after if we can finish our shopping by staying together and listening. Let’s go find the rice! You can walk with me or you can sit in the cart?” Then allow some time to go by and if Maggie is following those expectations, then revisit the greeting cards, to show her that her following the expectations sometimes allows time to see the cards. If she cannot follow through with the expectations, you can simply state “I notice it was hard being safe at the store today. You ran off a few times, which can be dangerous and scary if we don’t stay together at the store. We can’t look at the cards today but we can try again next time. We have to get home to make lunch and maybe we can make cards at home instead.” Then request a job that she can do to keep you both moving out the door.

This scenario can go many different ways and usually doesn’t go as smoothly as you want! If Maggie were to become unmanageable, it’s always okay to leave the store to recoup or just go home. People at the store will understand. The next time you go to the store, make sure to highlight the expectations and make emphasis on staying together. You can even bring up the cards by stating “Today we have enough time to see the cards first, during or after shopping…” Or you can state “Today we don’t have enough time to see the cards because we have an appointment right after we shop. So I need your help with going super-fast. How fast do you think we can go? Fast like a cheetah?....” Stating this, helps Maggie know there is not enough time today, and redirecting the topic to try to make it fun to go in and out of the store will help avoid any conflicts.

So when you are navigating expectations with your child…

Ponder on: 

~What are you creating this expectation for? Is it for a developmental need, is it for a family belief, is it for safety, is it for ease, is it to challenge? Etc.

~Expectations go both ways! The things you do or don’t expect for your child will have your child making their own expectations.

~What is happening externally and internally for your child today that will make this expectation a success or malfunction?

~How are you feeling about your own expectations and other’s expectations of you? This will impact your expectations on your child.

Use some of these tools:

~When you need to modify an expectation of them doing it by themselves and frustrations are going awry, say things like “I can see you are struggling with doing this and that’s okay. I will help you navigate this, today.”

~Communicate the expectation to them and repeat it only a few times throughout. Sometimes a look or walking away can communicate more than words. If they are unable to do this, then enact a connected consequence to the expectation. "I can see you are having a hard time sitting on the couch. You are all done on the couch and you can go jump on the mat or the stairs." 

~Inform them when there are changes. “We usually do it like this but this time we are mixing it up to do it like this.”

~Allow them time to complete an expectation, especially if this is a skill that is new to them or that they are practicing. 

~Know who your child is, what they like, and what drives them to determine expectations to keep them engaged, along with motivating them to build their skills and maintain a growth mindset.

A child needs to have simple, clear, defined, and consistent expectations. And they also need expectations that can be modified to situations. There are ways to make expectations easier to manage but the hard part is, that there is no easy way to describe what an expectation should be for each child because it is based on their needs, how they respond, where they are developmentally, and in part what your culture and your beliefs are for your family. So start thinking about what those are and define those important qualities and expectations that you are trying to instill for yourself, your child, and your family so everyone knows.

What are these things we call expectations?? We all have them and we all need them to help us navigate our lives, our relationships, and everything in between. I see an expectation as your personal opinion and hypothesis being placed on yourself, someone, or something with how it exists or carries out an act. These are surrounded by social norms and rules that are developed in our communities close and far. Our beliefs, views, biases, anticipation, opinions, fears, hopes, possibilities, trust, insecurities, assumptions, perceptions, intentions, and influences of others are just a few aspects that can impact what our expectations are. The development of how we form our expectations comes from what we observe and experience as we grow from the start of life to the end. With the shuffle of all these components, we are continuously constructing our expectations that we direct internally and externally.

To understand anything, it helps to look at the parameters by determining a scale. On the expectation scale, they range from high to low expectations and from many to few expectations. High expectations can be very motivating and goal-oriented but paired with too many or too high expectations can leave you in a state of overwhelm and constant disappointment. Low expectations can help you have acceptance and simplify to enjoy the moment but if they are too low or you don’t have enough expectations it can make it easy to give up, keeping you stagnant and holding you back. Another thing to consider that could be scaled would be realistic to fictional. Expectations don’t always necessarily live in reality. If it lives in your reality it sure may not fit into someone else’s reality. It reminds me of when my grandma would say “it should just be common sense”. Yes, we all hope this but unfortunately we all don’t have the same common sense which in turn points to the fact that we all have different expectations. And at the end of the day that makes us different which can cause me to go down a whole rabbit hole of how we should be embracing our differences, putting down our defenses, asking more questions with curiosity and less judgment, having the hard conversations to gather a better understanding and acceptance of one another. But I won’t do that… today! I just kindly ask that we practice meeting each other where we are while being open to stretching our mindsets and expectations of each other.

So where is that sweet spot, that happy balance? This comes with having awareness. Being flexible and patient. Ride the waves of what gets stirred up, and learn from the successes and flounders. Here are some key things to ponder when creating and maintaining expectations:

*Re-evaluate the usefulness of the expectations that we put on ourselves and on others.

*Determine who this expectation is for. Is it for me, for them, or both?

*Has your expectation been stated out loud, so it can be acknowledged, discussed, or executed?

*What is the skill or benefit being gained from this expectation? Or is something getting diminished?

*Acknowledge others' expectations and when they differ from yours, discuss the challenges.

*Be realistic about how manageable an expectation is depending on the factors around those involved. Is this a realistic and reasonable expectation right now?

*Are you unconsciously making something an expectation?

*Establish if an expectation needs to be rigid to increase a goal point or flexible to reduce negative impacts.

*Practice patience because this is an ongoing life adventure for everyone and each relationship and interaction we have offers a space to grow and reflect.

Practicing these tips can help you be more mindful and effectively navigate expectations as they are actively happening. In part II we will dive more into defining expectations for young children to help foster their expectations within their development.

References:                                                                                                                                                    

- Wordhippo (2023), Retrieved from https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/another-word-for/expectation.html 7/31/2023

- Hast, Tim *Encore Life Skills LLC (October 23rd, 2017), Retrieved from https://encorelifeskills.com/six-things-you-need-to-know-about-expectations/ 8/1/2023

Life is full of them!! The occurrences that help guide us to the next place or thing… transitions. It’s an ongoing sequence that never ceases. Yet sometimes we often don’t think about them and how much they impact us. If you are a child everything is a transition. As an adult, they come in waves. And when you are a parent, well you never knew how transitions would rule your life.

Transitions…

• are temporary but can be repetitive

• take you from one activity to another

• have different levels of complexity and wait times – quick or long and drawn out

• are smooth or bumpy (hold on tight!)

• take you from one life event to another

• are sudden or planned

• can be ingrained or brand-new

• rejuvenate you or deplete your energy

• are jam-packed in our everyday lives

• has a varying amount of tasks within it

• connects a moment to the next moment

• makes us grow

• can be impactful or unnoticeable

• takes us on an adventure – enjoyable or rigorous

• can promote resiliency if allowed

• help us gain experience and perspective

• are happening everywhere

Every time a transition comes up it allows us to maneuver in the mindset we are present in, and navigate it with whoever is along for the ride. When you have young children you are constantly having to live within the transitions for longer and more often since children are downloading everything about the world and their culture into their being. Then they are bombarded with having to readjust constantly (transitions) to everything that they are slowly gaining familiarity and experience with. So be gracious and patient with your child, transitions can be hard.  AND take it easy on yourself too, transitions can be just as hard when you are the copilot, navigating all the emotions and feelings that come along with it for both you and your child.

So the next time you are going through any type of transition with yourself and/or with others (your young child), emphasize a few things…

§ - Acknowledge that this is a transition! Is it a big one? Is it a little one?

§ - Take a breath, you will get through it eventually and probably get to redo it again and again- How lucky!

§ - What is hard about this transition? Is there something that can make it easier? What important skills and life lessons is this transition allowing you to gain?

§ - Think on what the end result of this can look and feel like.

§ - Stay positive, there are so many good things that can come out of this. Mindset is a thing.

§ - Don’t be so serious! Highlight the humor in the moment or call it what it’s not… This is fun! (hahaha, NOT but it is ;) All sarcasm involved - fake it till you make it!

§ - And lastly, you are exactly where you are and that is exactly where you need to be for now.

Have you ever sat down and just watched the action around you? What kind of things did you see? What things did you acquire from watching? Observations are very powerful and very helpful in giving us skills, offering insight and data on ourselves, the external environment, and others. We use observing in so many areas of our day-to-day life. Within the early childhood field, observations are an important tool that we rely on to assess what a child knows, how they operate, and it helps direct us to what areas a child may need support in. From my experience in Montessori programs, observations are done with such intention. We rely on them to explore the whole picture that we can miss if we don’t take the time to step back.

Observations allow a better understanding of the child, who they are, what they like, and what they need. They establish a view of where the child is developmentally. It can shed light on ways to improve the environment in assisting the child to develop more independence and a sense of order. Observations remind us to sit back and watch without jumping right in, making assumptions, and becoming reactive to situations. It offers a space to reflect our own thoughts, feelings, and views for moments that we witness. They help us to learn how to respond matter-of-factly to the child without judgments and questions. It gives us time to assess how we can purposefully model different skills, concepts, and scenarios to the child, so you can show them during a neutral moment without needing to interrupt or correct them in the moment.

Things to consider… Observations take practice. We need to be objective with how we interpret the scenarios playing out before us and be mindful of how our subjective thoughts, expectations, personal views, and experiences impact our explanations. Describe what is happening versus what you think is happening. “The child smiles and laughs as he points to the dog jumping in the book.” Instead of… “The child is happy and thinks the dog jumping in the book is funny.” The 1st description is objective and the latter is subjective. We will always use our subjective concepts but we need to first see them objectively. Observations create a space for you to be a curious scientist allowing you to practice getting in a calm mindset and quietly sitting. They can be short or long, they can be written down to reflect on later or used in the moment. Let yourself start by making time for small moments to observe your child and experiment with what, how, and when you do them. This will open your eyes to their view of the world and how to best interact and support them, along with an insight into yourself… :)

References:                                                                                                                                                  

- Jackson, Emmeric “A Modern Approach”  (2023), Retrieved from https://amodernapproach.com/a-guide-to-montessori-observation-for-parents-at-home-why-how/ 5/31/2023

You now have a better understanding of the concept of emotions and feelings and a little bit of background on some theories and tools that were made to help support the ongoing dissection of our different emotions and feelings. Now I want to highlight some reminders/tips for yourself and your child when it comes to emotions and feelings.

Healthy Adult Reminders Regarding Emotions and Feelings

• Recognize the feeling/s that you are having. Give them attention and attend to them. 

• Embrace and validate how you feel. Label it, dissect it moderately, and acknowledge the stimulus that is causing you to feel that way.

•  Allow yourself to feel the physical sensations that you are having and acknowledge them without trying to change them.

• Be compassionate and patient with yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you care for.

• Communicate your feelings in a safe and healthy manner, to someone who can listen. This helps break down complex emotions, making them easier to attend to and process. 

• Take a break, do something to settle (breathe, stretch, take a walk, etc), and allow time for you to process your feelings.

• Understand that you can shift your thoughts and feelings.

• Exchange “negative” emotions with “positive” ones. This takes practice but it is very useful once you get the hang of it. It helps your anxiety and stress. And also allows you to have forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others.

• Be present and feel your “positive” emotions when you do have them.

Steps for Children to Work Through Emotions and Feelings

Recognize and Identify-

“Name it to tame it",  Help your child name their emotions and feelings- “You look like you are feeling mad. Are you mad, right now?" 

-Experience the Feelings and Body Scan- 

Allow your child to feel what they are feeling and say what you are seeing- “I see you have tears in your eyes.” or “You are throwing things because you are mad. I see you need to move your arms in a safer way. You can go swing your arms into this pillow in this room, so everyone is safe.”

Talk about the physical feelings they are having in their body and what they can do to release it or work through it - “What are you feeling in your body?”, “Does your head hurt?”, “Is your chest tight?”. 

-Calm and Regulate -

Help them try different strategies to get calm and regulate those feelings along with listening to their bodies- Get a drink of water, go to a special space, ask for a hug, eat some food, BREATHE, Close your eyes, etc. 

- Understand, Label, and Cope -

What happened that led them to feel this way?

Talk about the moment that happened for a little bit. “You really wanted to go outside but it wasn’t time to do that.” (OR let them tell you what happened if they can) “Did that make you angry? It’s okay to be angry and to tell me you are angry. Right now it’s time to go to bed. Let’s make a note to remind us to make time to go outside and play tomorrow when we have some free time. Once you are in bed we will write a reminder note together.”

TIPS:

• Model your personal feelings in the moment and what you need for yourself

• Redirect children to what they can do

• Keep information short, brief, and matter of fact

• Come from a place of patience, compassion, and understanding

• Give this process time and keep practicing these steps so they are able to eventually do this themselves

To go along with helping this process it is helpful to create a space where your child can be directed to or retreat to, to navigate their emotions. Who knows, in the process, you may want to create your own personal space to retreat to, which also models to your child a healthy way of processing and working through emotions and feelings.

Making a Calming, Quiet Space or Corner

to Help Your Child Process Emotions

As you are brainstorming and developing a space think about these things…

• Involve your child in this process

• Make sure that you put this area in a quieter, less busy area

• Think of a name that everyone will call it

• What will help define it?

o   A rug- shaggy, soft, thick/thin, textured, etc.

o   A mat- thick mat, yoga mat, anti-fatigue, etc.

o   A structure- tent, box, etc.

• What extra furniture items do you want?

o   Something to sit on- chair, beanbag, dog bed, pillow, swing

o   Something to set things on- a table, a shelf, drawers

• Limit your items (less is more) and find things that work and get rid of the things that don’t work

• Change out items periodically to create more tools that can be used in the future

• Does the space have items that involve all your senses

o   Visual

>  Visual feeling poster and strategies to help

>  Things to look through- kaleidoscope, sensory bottles (filled with different     liquids and materials), lava lamp, etc.

>  Decorations- string of lights, banners glow in the dark stars, stained glass

>  Pictures

>  Mirror

>  Books

>  Breathing cards

>  Light projector

>  Flashlight

>  Tarot cards

>  Affirmation cards

>  Yoga cards

>  Etc.

o   Auditory

>  Yoto player (plays songs, stories, recordings)

>  Music box

>  Windchimes

>  Noise-canceling headphones

>  Etc.

o   Touch

>  Things to squeeze or hold- stress balls, sensory items, stuffed animals, pillows

>  Things to wrap or compress- blanket (soft, multiple textures, weighted), compression vests/shirts

>  Objects that hold temperature- rice bag, ice pack, etc.

>  Activities to do with hands- ball mazes, expanding and contracting toys, etc.

>  Brushes, feathers, roller bushes, acupuncture mats/pillows,  etc.

>  Etc.

o   Smelling

>  Smelling bottles- made with spices or herbs or essential oils

>  Diffuser

>  Candles/inscents

>  Etc.

o   Oral

>  Teething rings

>  Chewy bracelets or necklaces

>  Water bottle with water

>  Etc.

**This space is not used for punishment or as a time-out. But it is used as a positive space to promote children to intrinsically figure out their emotions and feelings along with discovering ways to problem-solve ways to regulate them.

References:                                                                                                                                                  

- Karimova, Hokuma (December 24th, 2017), Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/emotion-wheel/#worksheets-wheel-of-emotions 2/17/2023

- Simplish Journal, Retrieved from https://simplish.co/blog/plutchiks-emotion-wheel 2/25/23

- Common Zen Media Inc (2003), Retrieved from https://allthefeelz.app/feeling-wheel/ 3/30/23

- Wilcox, Gloria (May 2020), Retrieved from https://www.gnyha.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/The-Feeling-Wheel-Positive-Psycology-Program.pdf 3/30/23

- Mclean, Alan (August 2021), Retrieved from https://www.whatmotivateslearning.com/emotionsBackground/images/ECP.pdf 2/25/2023

- Mclean, Alan (August 2021), Retrieved from https://www.whatmotivateslearning.com/emotionalCoaching/images/Pack.pdf  2/25/2023

- Kobeissi, Rahaf (April 20th, 2019) Retrieved from https://www.execunet.com/5-step-guide-feel-feelings/ 2/26/2023

References:

- Wikimedia Commons - author - Volga2018 (April, 3rd 2022), Retrieved from https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Differences_between_emotions,_feelings,_and_moods.jpg 2/23/2023

- 7ESL (2023), Retrieved from https://7esl.com/describe-someones-feelings-and-emotions/ 2/24/23

- Mnich, Dr. Kinga (March 1st, 2022), Retrieved from https://kingamnich.com/2022/03/01/the-critical-difference-between-emotions-and-feelings/ 2/24/23

- Freedman, Joshua - CEO Six Seconds (Jul 24, 2020), Retrieved from https://www.6seconds.org/2022/07/15/emotion-feeling-mood/ 2/24/23

- Medical Author: Radhakrishnan, Rohini - ENT, Head and Neck Surgeon & M., Dr. Sruthi – MBBS (Medically Reviewed on 12/5/2022), Retrieved from https://www.medicinenet.com/what_are_the_27_basic_emotions/article.htm 2/24/23

- Doucleff, Michaeleen (December 30th, 2013), Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping-emotions-on-the-body-love-makes-us-warm-all-over 2/25/2023

"We want to be judged by our intentions but we almost always judge others by their impact”

Have you ever had a moment where: 

• You said something that was intended to be funny and it was taken offensively by the other person? 

• Someone got angry at you for doing something when you were trying to be thoughtful? 

• You were totally upset by someone giving you some insight or feedback? 

• Someone laughed off a situation when you were baring your heart out?

How did that make you feel? How was the other person really feeling? Your feelings matter! And so does the other person's feelings! Feelings are so real for each of us. And all we want is to be heard, validated, and understood. We are all acting and communicating from all of our life experiences. Luckily we can keep evolving and learning from one another if we just take the time to get to know each other and be patient and understanding.

This quote highlights us to have awareness and take accountability for our actions. While also finding ways to have more of an understanding of what others are trying to convey and what they are going through. Finding empathy. A helpful tip is to take things less personally and have more compassion for others. Maybe ask yourself a few questions...

• What is the other person trying to convey outside of how I am taking it?

• Why is this really making me upset? Are there past experiences that are impacting my feelings?

• What is the other person going through? Maybe it has nothing to do with me...

• What is their intent and can I change the way it is impacting me?

There are plenty of questions to ask ourselves and ways to reflect on our conflicting situations with others. Open communication helps with this. Give it some thought but be mindful to learn from it, find the positive, and let it go. We are all human and are trying to do the best we can :)